(music)He's corny as corn bread seedy as grain (music)
(music)He came out west on a northbound train (music)
(music) The crooks die laughing but they're dead just the same (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music) Yeah (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music)He's got a phony pony that was made in Japan (music)
(music)He rides in the saddle like an elevator man (music)
(music)He's an underfoot tenderfoot king of the mess (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music) Yeah (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music)But he stands for right (music)
(music)Both day and night (music)
(music)He may lose the battle for a while (music)
(music)But he'll win the fight (music)
(music)He's a humdinger a western swinger (music)
(music)But he has a little trouble with his trigger finger (music)
(music) When he takes aim it's anybody's guess (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music) Yeah (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music)He's a dude done over you can see at a glance (music)
(music)His boots are shiny and so are his pants (music)
(music)He's got hair in his eye and a gleam on his chest (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music) Yeah (music)
(music)He's the shakiest gun in the West (music)
(music)But he stands for right (music)
(music)Both day and night (music)
(music)He may lose the battle for a while (music)
(music)But he'll win the fight (music)
(music) Yeah, he stands for right (music)
(music)Both day and night (music)
{ Woman Screaming] Oh, help.! Help.! Help.!
Help! Ohhh!
Help! Help!
[Crying]
Madam, madam, please be patient.
After all, this is the final examination for these dental students.
It's important that you cooperate.
Now, stay in your chair and try to relax.
Golly Ned, Mother!
Relax. Up we go.
[Laughing] All right.
You just sit down there. There we go.
[Chuckling] All righty, Miss Stevenson. Now, first things first.
Now we're just gonna take a little look-see at your general dental condition.
Sort of get the lay of the land. [Chuckles]
You know? Okay. All righty, open your mouth.
[Clears Throat] No, no, you see, if, uh...
if you don't open your mouth, then I can't see anything.
See? That's the way that works.
[Clears Throat] Uh, come on now, Miss Stevenson. Seriously. Open your mouth.
Open up. Come on, come on.
I'll help you here. I'll get that... There. Open that...
[Mutters, Grunts]
[Groaning]
How're you doing, Heywood? Fine. Fine.
[Out Of Breath] Dr. Friedlander?
What seems to be the trouble, Heywood?
Complete closure of the oral cavity, eh?
She won't open her mouth.
Watch me carefully.
Well, Miss Stevenson, don't we look lovely today.
But we have a toothache, haven't we?
A tooth saved is a silver dollar in the bank of health.
Now, open your mouth, dear.
Op... Open wide.
[Chuckles] Are we going to open up that mouth?
Open that rotten little mouth!
[Grunting]
[Muttering]
You're in my way, Heywood. You're in my way!
I can't... I can't get loose.
[Straining] Wait 'til I get...
Get me out of here!
[Straining]
You're on your own from here on, Heywood.
If you don't get that mouth open and get that tooth fixed,
you don't graduate. Mm-hmm.
Now, Miss Stevenson,
I realize that this is hardly the time or place to bring this up,
but, uh, I'd like very much to see you socially sometime.
Oh! Well, I, uh... There!
[Crunching] [Groaning]
Everything going okay, Heywood?
Fine. Uh-huh. Fine.
[Groaning]
[Grunts, Panting]
[Barks]
Mm-hmm.
{ Chattering]
[Grunting Continues]
[Drill Whirring]
{ Punching, Falling To Floor]
(music) [Humming]
All right, make way for the mother of a dentist.
The mother of Jesse W. Heywood, valedictorian.
I'm her best friend.
[Snorts]
{ Applause]
[Clears Throat]
Uh, Dr. Friedlander,
faculty, students...
[Clears Throat] And parents.
As we, uh, stand on the threshold...
{ Man] Louder.! As we stand on the threshold of graduation,
we may get the feeling that this is the end.
{ One Person Applauding]
This is really the beginning... Louder.!
This is really the beginning...
of stepping out into new horizons:
North, south, east...
and... west.
Speaking of west, that is the direc... [Clears Throat]
That is the direction that I personally am going to.
Why did I choose the West?
Because the West is a place where few, if any, dentists have trod.
So I am going to trod there.
[Sobbing] Why, Jesse? Why?
Well, Mom, the West needs dentists.
I mean, teeth are fallin' out right and left out there.
Teeth are falling out in Philadelphia too.
Yeah, but Philadelphia is overrun with dentists. There must be seven!
Gratitude! Gratitude! Some nice gratitude!
But all the plans, all the nice surprises.
Your Uncle George was going to give you an office over the harness shop...
for $3.00 a month.
And Celia's Leonard was going to give you...
four rolls of wallpaper.
Blue ducks.
Fifty cents a foot! Wholesale!
[Sobbing] Oh, Jesse!
Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
If he were mine, I'd know what to do. Put him across my knee.
Butt out! I'm family!
You're not family! I'm your aunt!
You're not a real aunt. Just my mother's best friend. Oh, yeah?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah?
How's it going, Heywood? Fine. Fine.
Those half-naked savages must have colds all the time.
Oh, Ma, that's an old wives' tale.
Your average Indian's the healthiest person in the world.
But, Jesse, dear, it stands to reason... Uh, Ma, Ma, Ma!
[Clears Throat] Call me "Doctor."
Oh, excuse me, is this car 24?
Uh, all the way down, mack. Thank you.
But, Doctor, you've always been such a delicate little boy.
You've got such touchy sinuses.
You've always had your father's delicate sinuses.
Aw, Ma! Now don't "aw" me.
It was your father's sinuses that killed him.
He was run over by a beer wagon!
He was blowing his nose in the middle of the street.
Well, I'm not going to cry.
Good for you, Ma.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Attagirl.
If you don't believe me, ask Celia.
I said, "Celia, I'm not going to cry at the station."
And you've always kept your word, Ma.
Uh, is this car 24?
Uh, back that way. Huh. Well...
I'll bet you think I'm crying right now.
You promised yourself you wouldn't. And I'm not!
That's 'cause you're strong, Ma. { Whistle Blows]
[Chuckles] Just think, Ma.
Gettin' ready to head west.
In two days, I'll be in Ohio.
In one week, I'll be in St. Louis.
And in two months, California!
What an age we live in.
Things are moving too fast.
[Mutters]
Excuse me, bunky. Is this about it?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Well, Ma...
Oh! Oh, uh...
[Clears Throat]
Ma, you got something for the porter? Got a nickel?
A nickel?
Uh, n-no charge.
Ma, what's that?
Well, it got your Uncle Metcalf safely through the Civil War.
Here, you may need it.
[Laughs] Well, gee, Ma, that's kind of nifty.
Wear it in good health.
{ Conductor] Board.!
[Clears Throat] Well, Ma, I guess this is it.
Good-bye, dear.
Write me as soon as you get to the West.
I will, Ma.
Don't look back, Ma.
Goin' out west, partner?
Sure am, partner.
{ Bell Ringing, Whistle Blowing]
Naka washa.
Well... thank you, dear lady.
Oh, uh, thank you, dear lady.
[Chuckles]
Mmm!
That's good! What is that?
Wana tonka. Wana tonka?
Lizard roll.
Rest stop! Rest stop!
{ Gunshot]
All right, everybody out of that stage. Come on!
Come on, let's go.!
And you up there, throw down that strongbox!
Hold it, driver.!
Go ahead!
[Shouts]
[Shouting]
Whoa! Whoa!
What happened, Arthur?
Two men held us up out on the Willow Creek Road. They got the strongbox.
All right. Come on, men. Let's go.
[Grunts]
I just love this kind of stuff. Oh, come on!
Fred, got a passenger for ya on the through stage.
Be sure he gets on it.
Hot digs! Come to 2,200 apiece.
You know something, Penny? This is the first time...
I ever had this much money at one time in my whole life.
There's plenty more where that came from, Pop.
I got two stagecoaches lined up next week. A hundred miles apart.
Hold it, Penny. Count me out. What?
That's right. This was my last job.
After 30 years of rustling cattle and holding up banks, I'm packing it in.
This'll be easy pickin's, Pop.
No. I'm gonna take this here money...
and fulfill my lifelong ambition.
What's that, Pop?
Go to Boston and open up a little dress shop.
A dress shop?
Well, wait a minute, Penny.
Just 'cause I'm rough and dirty and don't wear underwear,
don't mean that I ain't artistic.
All the years we've been together, I never heard you mention that once.
Well, I reckon it would sound kind of funny in front of the other gentlemen.
Well, if that's the way you want it.
At least we can ride together as far as Hole in the Wall.
A dress shop? Hold it, Penny!
What is it?
Sounds like maybe 10 or 15 horses.
Nice posse size. Let's get outta here.
Whoa! Whoa! Penny, there ain't but one thing to do.
They're gainin' on us. We gotta split up.
You follow that stream there.
I'll head north and try to draw 'em off. Good luck, honey.
Don't get caught, Pop. Remember your dress shop.
Yeah, it looks like one of'em.
I just love this kind of stuff.
Let's go.
[Horse Whinnying]
[Horse Whinnies]
I just hate this kind of stuff! Grab her, Floyd!
Where? Where?
I don't know about grabbin' women! I ain't married!
Where's that federal marshal? He's on his way over.
You've got no right!
You've got no right holding a defenseless woman prisoner!
Now simmer down! You just simmer down, Penny.
Marshal Bates here wants to talk to you.
Miss Cushings, I've got a proposition for you.
Not interested!
Better hear me out. This paper's a full pardon.
You dang fool! The marshal wants you to work for the federal government.
It's a trick! I just love this kind of stuff!
No, it's no trick. Now listen to me carefully.
Somebody's been smuggling guns to some renegade Comanche Indians.
What's that got to do with me?
We need your help to find out who it is.
The marshal wants you to work as an undercover agent.
We've already lost two men.
We figure they won't be suspicious of a woman posin' as a homesteader.
Well, what do you think, Penny?
I don't know.
We got enough on you to send you away for 300 years.
Ya ninny! He wants to give you a pardon!
Here, read this.
[Sighs] Is it a real pardon?
It's got the governor's signature on it.
You got yourself a deal.
Hey, this is pretty excitin'.
You mind if I tell everybody?
You do and I'll shoot you... right in the mouth.
Excuse me, sir.
Could you tell me where I could buy a wagon and a good team of horses?
Yep. Right across the street there.
Abel Swanson will sell you anything you want.
But watch him. He's real slick.
He'll cheat you if he gets a chance.
Yeah? Well, he'll have to get up pretty early in the morning...
to pull the wool over Jesse W. Heywood's eyes.
Much obliged.
Love your hat!
Mr. Swanson?
Oh. Howdy.
I'd like to see Mr. Swanson about gettin' a good rig and a team.
[Speaking Chinese]
[Mumbling] Well, I don't know anything about that.
And you can tell him that just because I'm from out of town,
that don't mean I don't know what it's all about.!
{ Footsteps]
Good day, sir. Abel Swanson, proprietor, at your service.
Dr. Jesse W. Heywood, dentist, Philadelphia.
Ah, a professional man! What a pleasure to do business with a man of science!
Wong, our house is honored by the presence of a physician.
[Speaking Chinese]
{ Kissing Noises]
[Clears Throat]
Wong reveres knowledge. We are at your service.
Uh, well... [Clears Throat]
I want to get a rig and a couple of good strong horses.
And I'll pay nothin' but a fair price.
It's a pleasure to do business with a discerning man.
Now, everything you need is right over here.
There's a potbellied stove, wrought iron skillet,
twenty pounds of flour, one axe, two extra handles.
Now, let's see. A stove, $7.50; skillet, $4.20; flour, $8.50; $9.75 for an axe.
Add that up, will you, Wong?
[Speaking Chinese]
That comes to $47, even. Now for the wagon...
Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it!
[Muttering] Forty-seven dollars? The stove was $7.50.
The skillet was $4.20. That's $11.70. Then you have...
Have you ever been in the Orient, sir? Huh?
Have you ever been in the Orient?
No, I never have.
That's amazing. Simply amazing.
Wong, observe the analytical mind of the trained scientist.
Skilled in the arts of mathematics, physics, chemistry.
Able to understand the machinations of the Oriental calculating abacus.
Run over those figures for him again, Wong.
Yeah. That's $47, all right.
Extraordinary mind. You, sir, are amazing.
Now, let's put you into a wagon. Right this way.
Okay.
You are indeed a fortunate man!
This is your lucky day!
The wagon you are beholding... soon to be yours...
is the only one of its kind west of the Mississippi.
How much is it? Built of the finest oak.
Once owned by one of the great pioneers of our west,
the late Sir Lincoln Boone.
I know this is no time to bring this up, but how much is it?
Excuse me. I'll let it go for a hundred dollars.
How much? One hundred and fifty dollars.
Now that seems kind of expensive to me!
Expensive? Too expensive for a vehicle worthy of transporting...
one of the great scientific minds of our day?
Sir, this wagon befits you.
Wong, let us not forget. Our house is honored by the presence of a physician.
[Speaking Chinese]
[Muttering] Uh, well... Now wait a... That's enough. I, uh...
Now listen, I think 150 will be okay. Sold!
Wong, add that up. Forty-seven and 150.
[Chinese]
That comes to $232.55.
$232.55?
That is correct.
Well, figures don't lie.
That's an even $250 with the territory tax.
And that'll be cash, of course.
Territory tax? [Muttering] [Speaking Chinese]
Gracias. It was a pleasure doing business with you, sir. Chop-chop!
Uh, I'll see you. Oh, wait a minute!
L-I almost forgot. Well, what about the horses?
Why, surely you jest. There hasn't been a horse for sale in over three weeks.
Wait a second! If you didn't have any horses for sale,
how come you sold me that wagon and all that stuff?
We just like to keep busy. You have no right to...
What time do you have, sir? Huh? Oh, 5:30.
We're closed. Well... Now just wait a minute!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Why, you...
How am I gonna get out west if I don't have any horses?
You... You cheaters! Cheaters!
[Panting] Abacus cadabacus!
{ Knocking]
Mr. Huggins? That's right.
Penelope Cushings. Won't you come in?
What can I do for you, Miss Cushings?
First, I must warn you, I'm not taking on any new clients.
I expect to be leaving town shortly.
The moon is on the wane.
You?
You were looking for a woman, weren't you?
Well, yes, but you're... Well, not like you.
Expecting someone a bit more horsey?
Sort of.
Well, I'm what they came up with, so let's get down to business.
We're to take the wagon train to San Miguel with you posing as my wife.
Oh? Strictly federal business.
Once there, we get in touch with Will Banks.
You've got a rig? Waiting out in the staging area.
Any notion as to how the rifles are getting to the Indians?
Nope. There could even be some on the wagon train we're taking.
Well, now, do you have everything you need? Yes, I think so.
Good. We'll leave day after tomorrow at sunup.
Strictly federal business?
Strictly.
Done and done.
{ Gunshots]
{ Dog Barking]
[Murmuring]
That's Sam Huggins, the lawyer.
Who did it? Shots came from across the street. This fellow staggered in.
- Did anybody call a doctor? - Doc Gifford's out of town.
Wait a minute. There's a doctor right here in the hotel.
Dr. Jesse W. Heywood. Room three.
Come on, Lyle! Ernie, come on!
[Snoring]
Hurry it up! He don't answer.
[Snoring]
Darn you, Lyle! Dr. Heywood!
Wake up! Wake up!
{ Man Downstairs] Let's go up there.!
We're coming! Dr. Heywood, Dr. Heywood! Please, wake up!
Doctor, we have an emergency in the lobby. [Muttering]
Hmm. Emergency.
[Snoring Continues]
Hmm? Yeah. I'm awake. I'm awake.
All right, everybody. Stand back. Give this man air.
He's probably got a badly impacted wisdom tooth.
You fool! Here's the trouble.
[Laughing] Hey, you sure handled that nice last night, Doc.
[Laughing Continues]
[Clears Throat] Uh... morning!
[Nervous Laughing]
Uh, look, I hope I didn't give the hotel a bad name by fainting.
I mean, I feel bad about that. Makes me feel terrible.
Your shoe's untied. [Mutters, Laughs]
Oh, yeah. Thank you. Well, I'll just, uh...
[Clears Throat] I'll, uh, tie it over here.
Oh, uh... uh, ma'am?
Ma'am? Wa... Wait just...
Just... wa...
Uh, ma'am! Oh, ma'am!
Uh, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am.
I just wanted to express my deepest sympathy...
and to apologize for, uh...
well, what happened to me there last night.
See, actually I'm a dentist. See, I'm not a doctor.
And, well, when I see something like that,
I just sort of go all fuzzy.
What's a tender ninny like you doing out here in the first place?
Uh, ma'am, uh...
Now I realize that that may have come about as a result of your grief.
But I don't like to be called a tender ninny.
Tender ninny!
Okay. All right. Now, all right.
I'm gonna tell you something. I'm in teeth!
And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia single-handed to fight oral ignorance!
And I intend to go further west!
West is that way.
West! And I'm gonna find me a couple of horses,
and I'm leaving on the next wagon train out!
Now what do you think about that?
Um, are you going to take your tree and your dog along with you?
{ Man] I'm sorry about your husband passin'on, ma'am,
but rules are rules and I gotta stick to 'em.
No women alone on the wagon train.
Uh, look, Mr. Welsh, I have got to get on this wagon train.
No single women. Company rules.
Well, I've got to find some way.
The only thing I can recommend is you find yourself a husband by 5:00 tomorrow mornin'.
A husband? Mm-hmm.
All you need is somethin' wearin' pants goin' that way.
Uh, west is that...
way.
{ Knocking] [Grunts]
[Groaning]
Oh!
Hello, Dentist.
Hello! [Laughs]
[Clears Throat] Uh... it's you!
Aren't you going to ask me to come in?
Huh? Oh... Oh, sure! Yeah! Come in, come in.
Oh, uh... [Laughs] I like to keep my hand in.
[Chuckles]
I'm sorry to bother you like this,
but I have a terrible toothache.
Is it in your mouth? Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
It would be, wouldn't it?
Sure. Well, you just sit right down there,
and we'll just take care of it.
I probably should have made an appointment.
I realize how busy you must be.
Oh, golly, heck! There's always...
always room for an emerg...
[Clears Throat] Emergency.
[Clears Throat]
Uh...
I'll just, uh... [Muttering]
Wait a min... Uh, well... [Chuckles]
I'll tell you what. Could you just, uh... open your mouth?
Uh... l... I need my mirror.
Oh.
{ Mirror Shatters]
That's okay.
I'll get, uh... get something else here.
Oh, do you know something? Hmm?
When you turned away, I noticed your profile.
It's really very attractive.
My profile? [Chuckles]
Well...
[Gasps] Huh?
Oh, your hands! Oh, they're lovely!
The hands of a surgeon.
[Muttering] Yeah, well, my ha...
[Clears Throat]
Well, uh...
hands have always run in my family.
Do you know what I think?
Uh-uh.
I think you're very nice.
Do you know what I think?
What?
I think I might faint.
Ohhh.
How did a wonderful professional man like you...
escape marriage all these years?
Well, uh, I've always felt I was a little too thin for marriage.
Ohhh.
And besides, m-my main mission in life right now i-i-is to go west.
How strange fate is!
I, too, am alone and going west.
And suddenly, out of the blue sky,
I meet you.
A big...
tall...
handsome...
man!
Now, wait a minute! J-Just wait a minute!
[Muttering] L-I don't even know you.
I'm crazy about you. Isn't that enough?
Now then, the witnesses there, Mrs. Longbaugh and Slosh White, are 25 cents each,
payable immediately following the ceremony.
Fine. Speed it up. The wagon train leaves in an hour.
This is so sudden, Miss Cushings.
I mean, you just don't fix a tooth one minute and get married the next.
The song is 50 cents extra. Would you like the song?
Yes. Fine, fine.
(music) Oh, promise me that someday... (music)
Let's go, Reverend!
During the music? Yes!
Well, all right.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
Now wait a minute! Hold it!
I can't get married without telling my mother.
There isn't any time. We've got to catch the wagon train,
uh, uh, uh...
Jesse. Jesse.
My mother will just never forgive me for this.
We are assembled here in the presence of God to join together this man...
Now wa... We're strangers. You know that, don't you?
I'd at least like you to meet my mother.
Speed it up, Reverend.
He has instructed those who have entered into this relationship, etc.
That's not Episcopalian!
By the authority invested in me by the Church,
I declare that you, Penelope, and, uh, you, uh...
Jesse.
And you, Jesse, are hereby man and wife.
Attaboy, Reverend! Now, just hold it!
I don't feel at all that this is actually... I mean, the whole... the thing...
Mm-hmm.
We'd better hurry if we want to catch that wagon train.
[Horse Whinnies]
Well, well, well. You did it, ma'am. What's the new name?
Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood. You ready to go?
Wagons west!
That's the ticket. Just pull up behind that last wagon.
Right. [Yells]
Nice going.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so darned excited.
Mr. And Mrs. Hiram Remington. Atlanta.
Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood. Philadelphia.
Reverend Zachary Gant and my loyal minion, Matthew Basch!
Nice couple.
Fix this crate. What are you trying to do, get us thrown in jail?
Aww, a "purty" little thing like that and a derby dude,
they ain't likely to be federal men.
We can't trust anybody.
Now remember that! Come on, fix it!
Where's Willie?
Beats me.
Willie! Willie!
Here, Ma.
I told you to do that before we left!
Oh, boy!
Keep your eye on the road.
I just can't believe it.
Tonight's our wedding night.
In a few hours, we'll stop...
make camp...
have a little supper...
then beddy-bye.
(music) [Humming]
[Gasps] [Laughing]
I was in the same boat as you 35 years ago.
Is that right?
I'll never forget my wedding night as long as I live.
I'll bet. I cried like a baby.
[Laughing]
{ Woman] Willie.!
{ Willie] Almost done, Ma.
Penelope?
[Singing] Penelope?
What do you want?
[Clears Throat] Are you beddy-bye?
I suppose so.
Guard duty, Dr. Heywood.
You're kidding!
{ Coyote Howling] [Gasps]
{ Howling Continues]
[Chuckles] A coyote.
(music) [Whistling]
{ Rustling]
[Rattling]
[Owl Hooting]
[Laughing]
Hoot owl.
Aaah! Scare ya?
Heck no! You kiddin'?
I come to relieve you, Doc. I reckon you got some chores you want to fulfill, huh?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thanks. Good luck.
[Singing] I'm back.
[Chuckling] You're soft.
{ Men Snoring]
{ Twig Snaps]
[Mutters]
{ Snoring Continues]
[Laughing] Come on, you little dickins! I'll find you!
Come on now! Come on now! Wh-Where ar... are you?
[Panting]
[Giggling]
Penny! What are you doing?
That you, Willie?
What are you doing wandering around? Shut up!
[Murmuring]
{ Mr. Welsh] What's going on here?
I couldn't sleep, so I decided to take a walk.
That's all.
Well, you'd be lonesome, too, if your husband were on guard duty.
It's our wedding night.
Lovers' quarrel, that's all. All right, back to bed.
Gosh, honey, I didn't realize you missed me so much.
I wonder what she's up to.
Don't you get it, Zack? She's got the sweets on me.
I have the same trouble every place I go.
Women just come runnin' after me, wantin' to kiss me on the mouth.
{ Bell Clanging]
{ Mr. Welsh Shouting] Everybody up.! Everybody up.!
{ Indians Whooping]
Indians! Indians!
Hyah!
[Whooping Continues]
What'll we do?
Take cover and start using that six-gun!
{ Gunshots Continue]
[Horse Whinnies]
[Whimpering]
{ Gunshots] They're Winchesters.
The Heywood wagon. It ain't with us.
Remington! Tyler! Some of you men, let's go!
{ Penny] Get back here, you idiot.!
Bang. { Gunshot]
Are you all right? Uh-huh. Yeah. Fine.
Uh, I didn't know you could shoot like that.
Huh, I didn't know it myself!
Who'd have believed it?
That Doc's a gutty little cuss.
Which one's Doc Heywood? Right there.
There he is! Hey! Doc!
[Congratulating, Cheering]
The greatest! Attaboy, Doc!
To Doc Heywood, Indian fighter!
Say, Doc, tell us just how you killed all them Indians.
{ Bartender] Give him a chance to clear the dust out of his throat.
Come on, Doc. Drink up.!
Oh. Well.
Hmm. [Chuckles Nervously]
[Coughs]
[Out Of Breath] It doesn't pay to drink too fast when you're thirsty.
That was good, though. Was good.
Say, Doc, now we hear tell that you fell far behind the main wagon train.
How did that happen?
Well, I'll tell you.
That was on purpose.
There was a reason for that.
You see, it was all part of the plan.
It was all part of the plan!
As I said, it was all part of the plan.
See, I'd been spotting their signs for quite a while.
He was a-spottin' their signs!
One, maybe two months.
And then a plan began a-formulatin' in my mind.
Then a plan began a-formulatin' in his mind!
I figured I'd lay back a ways and draw 'em off the main body.
That was to give the wagon train a chance to get away.
Chance to get away! You wanna let me tell this, fella?
See, there's one thing you gotta keep in mind about Indians.
Them Indians is ten times as scared as you are...
[Screams]
Didn't mean to scare Indian fighter.
[Chuckles] You character. One of ours.
[Laughter]
I wonder. What?
If that skinny little Philadelphia jasper could be a federal agent.
He sure looks like a dentist to me.
How would you know?
You ain't never seen a dentist in your life.
No need to poke fun at my only weak point.
I don't know what you're talking about, lady.
I'm a roofer. Been a roofer all my life.
Don't know nothing about the federal government.
Sam Huggins would be talking to you now, but they shot him.
Get in the wagon.
I knew it! That whole dentist outfit was a dodge.
Look at those clothes. He's a gunny for sure.
[Coughs]
Yep, Matthew. That's our man. We've gotta get rid of him.
How you gonna do it?
Simple. I'll have you pick a fight with him. Gun him down in the street.
Now, wait a minute, Reverend. I ain't gonna tangle with him.
What's the matter? 'Fraid he'll kill you?
That's part of it. The main thing is if he nicks me,
why, the scar will just ruin my looks.
I'll get a professional.
I hear that Arnold the Kid's in town.
Good!
Heck, you're always better off with a specialist, anyway.
Yeah?
Well, I'll sure know where to look if I ever need a coward.
Yep.
Arnold, kill Heywood, I'll give you $600.
All right. I'll give you $850.
All right. I'll give you $ 1,000.
[Knuckles Crack]
[Chuckles]
They told me this outfit was an original.
Get out of my way.
What?
You heard me. Get out of my way!
Well, now. Just who do you think you are?
Arnold the Kid.
Doc the Heywood.
That name don't scare you?
It scares me this much.
[Sizzling]
[Whimpers]
All right, Mr. Kid.
Now you've gone just a little bit too far.
You're really asking for it.
Make your play!
I'll make my play. I'll make my play.
Ippity-doo, kanaba dip,
double dare, knock off the chip!
Now, what's this all about?
You wanna know what that's all about? I'll tell you what that's all about.
You knock off that chip and you'll see what it's all about.
{ Chip Hits Ground]
[Breathes In Deeply]
Uh-huh. Okay. All right.
Okay. I'm gonna tell you something right now.
You just happen to know what I did? Do you happen to know what I did?
Well, I'll tell you what I did!
I killed twelve Indians and two horses in one fight.
Now, how do you like those bananas?
Pass the word to clear the street.
I'll meet you here in half an hour.
[Knuckles Crack]
Wear your gun.
[Hammering]
Hey, I think you might have something with that Minister Gant.
They checked on him back East, and he ain't no Pentecostal.
And he sure ain't no Mormon.
They couldn't find one persuasion that ever heard tell of him.
Those Bible boxes were sure long and heavy.
Hey, maybe you and your husband could scout around the church.
See what's in them boxes.
Forget my husband.
He's just some Philadelphia jay I got tied up with to get me out here.
The sooner I get rid of him, the better.
Appears to me like he could be of some help.
I hear he's pretty good with a six-gun.
{ Wind Blowing, Whistling]
[Can Bouncing]
[Water Running]
What's going on?
That's Heywood out there practicing.
I heard two shots.
That means, uh, he's got four to go.
[Laughter]
[Glass Shatters]
{ Bullet Ricochets]
{ Dog Yelps]
[Gunshot]
That's six. Call him out.
Heywood!
Did you want me for something?
It's been exactly a half hour.
Mm-hmm.
{ Wind Whistling]
Heywood, I'm even gonna let you draw first.
[Voice Quivering] Thank you.
Oooh! Aah! [Gunshot]
[Moans]
A seven-shooter?
Hey! Great! Attaboy!
[Congratulating, Cheering]
What'd you do that for?
I thought you wanted to get rid of that jay.
I don't know. Something just come over me.
Great work, Doc. You showed them.
Atta way, Doc. Boy, you sure are something.
Excuse me. Excuse me, fellas. Excuse me.
Uh, Penny! Penny!
[Chuckles] Did you hear about it? I heard.
'Bout the only thing that saved me was the old killer instinct.
Uh-huh.
What about supper? I've got something to do. I'll see you later.
But I ain't seen you all day. Doc Heywood! The sheriff wants you!
Who? The sheriff wants to see you.
Just a minute, son. Penny, look... He says it's important!
[Stammers]
Well, all right. Where are you gonna be later? I'll be around.
Yeah. [Chuckles]
Darn women. So excitable.
{ Man] Whenever you're ready, Leonard.
Hold it like that now.
[Chuckles] That's dandy.
Thank you.
There. That'll be a real nice picture for us.
The man who got Arnold the Kid. Well.
I guess we don't need this anymore.
Oh, say. Can I have that? I'd kind of like to keep it for a souvenir.
Sure, Doc. Help yourself.
Leonard, get that picture developed as soon as you can.
Here, you want me to give you a hand with this?
{ Leonard] Yes, please.
There we are.
Oh. Excuse me.
Uh, have you seen this "ladiola"?
Ah, si, si.! Senora dentista. Aqui.
The church? Aqui.
Gracias, senor.
Penny!
Hold it! What's the matter?
Thought I heard something.
Penny! { Floorboard Creaks]
{ Footsteps]
[Floorboards Creak]
[Jiggles Doorknob]
{ Bells Ring]
Oooh! Aah!
Penny! { Penny] Shut up.!
Penny! [Whispers] Keep it quiet!
I've been looking all over town for you.
What do you want?
Is that you?
Yes, that's me.
I'll explain one of these days, but not right now.
[Mutters]
I can't believe this! I just can't...
You mean you're a thief? A cattle rustler? What's this all about?
I'll explain it later. Right now I'm on government business.
[Shouting] Like what? Like stealing rifles from a nice church?
Shhh!
It's her. She's the agent. Let's get her.
No. Not now. Let's wait till Doc Heywood ain't here.
Come on. Out.
It's really none of your business. Now, let's get out of here.
Government business? What kind of government business? Hold your voice down!
But I don't get it. One minute you're a bank robber,
the next minute you're working for the government.
All right. It's true.
I am Bad Penny Cushings.
But the government said they'd clean up my record if I did this job for them.
What job?
I can't tell you any more.
Now, look. I don't know if you realize it,
but our marriage is getting pretty shaky.
Now, I want to know what's going on.
All right.
Now, can I count on you to keep this quiet? Of course!
Hold your voice down. Of course.
The government promised me amnesty...
if I found out who's smuggling rifles to the Indians.
It's Gant and Basch!
Gant and Basch?
The minister and his loyal minion?
He's no minister. And he's no minion.
I don't know, Penny. Everything's just moving too fast.
First you came to me with a toothache; we got married;
we got on the wagon train; bang, bang, bang; hurray, hurray.
Then I found out you're a crook. Then you're not a crook, you're working with the government.
Everything's just moving too fast.
{ Penny] Poor little dude. You're tired, aren't you?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.
Huh?
I said I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.
Are you changing?
Uh-huh.
I'll just change in the closet.
(music) [Humming]
(music) [Humming Continues]
You can't sleep like that! Those spurs'll kill me!
I've got to get to Fort Tyler to get the military.
But you said... I mean, I thought that we...
Fort Tyler?
Don't you understand? If the Indians get those rifles, they'll wipe out this town.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, well, I better come with you. I'm pretty handy with a gun, you know.
I'm afraid not, dentist. You couldn't hit a bleeding elephant in the snow.
Are you kiddin'?
Twelve Indians, two horses and Arnold the Kid. [Chuckles]
Look, you might as well know.
I shot the Indians from inside the wagon.
And Arnold the Kid from the window.
What?
You mean, I didn't...
I mean, none of those...
Nobody? Nobody.
I'm sorry to have to tell you that, dentist.
But I wouldn't want you to come with me.
You might get hurt.
Are you coming back?
I'm afraid not. But...
But you're my wife.
That was just to get on the wagon train.
I'm sorry.
Vaya con Dios, amigo.
Gracias.
There he is! Hey!
[Crowd Roars]
[Raucous Shouting]
Attaboy! All the way down!
Hold it, please. Just a minute.
Uh, there's something that l...
I have to tell you.
Come on, Doc. Speak up.
[Laughing]
No. No more.
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for the drinks,
and for your all being so nice and everything.
But, uh, well, I'm just gonna tell you straight out.
Doc the Heywood, the well-known Indian fighter,
is a fake. [Muttering, Disagreeing]
It's true! It is absolutely true!
Just as long as I'm standing here, right here, right now. It's the truth.
Well, Doc, somebody killed them dozen Indians.
Now, who killed 'em?
My wife.
{ Laughing, Protesting] Just a second.!
Just a second. Hold 'er up.
You got the Kid because we all seen it. Right!
You got him... zang! With one shot while you was a-fallin' down!
That's right! Clean shot!
My wife got him from a window.
I wasted all my shots like a darned dumbbell! Don't you remember?
I shot two at the can,
two at the sign,
one at the skillet...
and one in the pants.
[Muttering]
All right now! Hold it! Hold it!
I was watchin' the whole thing. Now, let's see. There was, uh,
there was two at the can,
two at the sign,
one at the skillet...
and one in the pants.
Two in the can,
two at the sign, one at the skillet...
and one in the pants.
[Muttering]
Oh! Oh! Help! Aaah!
Failure, failure, failure.
Failure, failure, failure, failure.
That's the story of my life, you know.
Two things have always been my downfall.
I have always been...
the most failure of anybody,
and I'm too thin.
[Slurring] I don't think you're too thin.
It's all bloat.
Bloated thin failure! That's me!
I think you're wonderful.
I just love a man that can't make his...
mark in life.
Penny, hmm. Penny, she's really somethin', you know that?
Mmm-mm. Mmm.
And she used me.
And she... she tricked me.
She made me think...
that she loved me.
Aww.
I should've known better.
Nobody ever loved me.
Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance?
Awww.
I threw up on her dress.
You are really my kind of guy.
I got on a romance track.
Then I got on a gunslinger's track.
I gotta get back on that dentist's track.
Go ahead. Laugh!
Laugh all you like.
I'm not a failure.
I'm a dentist!
A real dentist.
And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague!
Come on. I wanna close up.
Good night, Doc.
Brush your dentist twice a day. Visit your toothbrush once a year.
Hyah!
{ Heywood] Penny.!
Penny!
Penny! Pen...
Water.
Uh!
Water. Water.
I gotta have water. L...
Water. I gotta have water.
Uh! Air! I gotta have air!
Air!
[Panting]
{ Banging Drums]
{ Indians Singing]
{ Girls Laughing]
[Giggling]
{ Giggling, Frolicking Continue]
{ Banging Drums, Whooping]
{ Banging Drums, Whooping Continue]
[Whimpers]
[Grunts]
Penny! Penny!
[Baby Cries]
Watay. Watay.!
[Baby Continues Crying]
[Girlish Voice] Watay.
[Baby Continues Crying]
Watay. Watay.
Watay.
How many did we give out?
That tallies 181.
[Gasps, Giggles]
That girl. I think I know her.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Isn't that Laughing Deer's daughter?
No. The Deer girl married White Antelope.
Rotten Buffalo's cousin? Ohhh!
[Gasps]
Ah wan no.
[Giggles]
[Yells] Ah wan no.
Watay.
Watay?
[Grunts]
[Teeth Jingle]
[Grunts]
{ Banging Drums Gunshots, Whooping]
Ah. Ah. Watay?
Watay? Uh-huh watay.!
Dentist, you're crazy! Are you all right?
Except for these bindings. They're killing my hands.
I figure the best time to get out is after they all get a little drunker.
You know something?
You're a lot spunkier than I thought you were.
I get that from my mother. [Laughing]
{ Footsteps]
[Girlish Giggles] Sat tey wahn ney.!
He's crazy about me.
Sat tey wahn ney.!
Looks like we're going dancing.
[Gunshots, Whooping]
[Giggling] [Grunting]
[Laughing]
{ Gunshots, Whooping Continue]
[Grunts]
[Muttering]
[Cheering]
Here. We're gonna need this when we make our break.
Be careful.
[Roars]
Put me down!
Reverend. Minion.
Well, now. If it ain't Doc Heywood,
gunfighter.
[Laughs]
Phony gunfighter.
Say, Doc. How 'bout us havin' a real gunfight, huh?
And to make it even, it'll be just you against me and the good Reverend here.
Now, uh, what do you think about that?
You wanna know what I think about that?
Well, I'll just show you what I think about that.
Well. [Sinister Laughter]
Put it on, Heywood.
Anytime you're ready, Heywood.
[Knuckles Crack]
[Muffled Speech]
We've got horses right back there, Penny. Let's go.
Let me go! Jesse's out there. { Gunshots]
Oh, Jesse!
Let's go.
[Muttering]
Watay?
Rider coming in!
Get ready. They're comin'!
Get the women and the kids back into the church. Get back in the church!
Well, they're sure takin' their sweet time about it.
Devils! Hold it.
What the...
Doc Heywood's with 'em. He sure is.
Open up, boys. Everything's under control.
Jesse! You're alive!
Yeah! I know.
[Laughter]
Take my friend Black Eagle and fix him up with a big rare steak!
{ Laughter]
Adjustments are free up to 60 days. After that, it's a dollar a visit.
[Laughter]
I'm so glad you're back.
Me too!
Oh, come on, now.
Come... Come on! Wait a minute! Wait...
{{{the end}}}